even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
