just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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