Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
