He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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