At least make sure they are 18
Why
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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