I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
