I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
