cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
