Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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