i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
