The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
