Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she looked like the before picture.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
