How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
