I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
