she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
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Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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