I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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