I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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