I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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