I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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