something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
