Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
