How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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