Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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