Her vagina should come with caution tape.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't deserve a penis
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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