my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive