I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
