if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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