I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
