In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
