this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
