it wasn't lemon gatorade
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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