This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
