I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
