Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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