one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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