He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
