every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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