Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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