so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
