Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
