I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
not ubering you a puppy
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
