I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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