My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
