Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
