just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
