you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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