how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
