Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
