well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
