I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
