Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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