Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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