if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
